MOM GENES? By Gretchen

I have anxiety about the label “mom” and I dislike writing. So when preparing to write this blog post for you all, I hope you can imagine the internal conflict I am facing evening as I type this. 

There was a BIG part of me that just wanted to cut and paste Olive’s birth story that yes, my husband wrote. But the whole point of this blog is to let you into our transparent lives, and hopefully someone will be encouraged by what we have to say. 

So here I go.

There was never really a point in my life, during pregnancy or even this last year, that I spent a lot of time thinking about motherhood. Yes, I knew one day I’d most likely be a mother. Yes, I did set up a nursery. And yes, I was up every three hours breastfeeding… but truly in all of that, I spent most of my time thinking about that unknown 4^th lyric in the rhyme “First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes baby in the baby carriage”… 

Really, what happens after baby carriage?

For the longest time I believed that maybe I didn’t have the “mom gene”. You know, that feeling inside of you that supposedly get’s all excited about onesies and small socks? Never felt it. It was a real confusing time for me, because I LOVED my daughter, I believed this was God’s best plan for me, but I just didn’t seem to really care about all the “hoopla” that somehow attaches itself to motherhood. Because of that I started to believe lies that maybe I just wasn’t cut out for this new job, or that there was something wrong with me. 

It took me awhile to finally see the truth in this matter, and that truth is there is no “ONE SIZE FITS ALL” to motherhood. If God did not create us to be robots then He didn’t create mothers to be either. I remember so clearly the friendships I made as a new mother. It was so freeing and encouraging meeting and knowing other moms who felt the same way I did. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place for the feeding, the napping, the sippy cup conversations, but what I want to encourage others and be encouraged in, is that motherhood is a very important role we play - but it’s not our identity. 

The author of Ecclesiastes said, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:” How true is that! There will be a season for baby rearing (I’m in that), but let’s not loose sight of the big picture. While every role we play is important and the season God puts us through doesn’t last forever, my charge to you (and myself included) would be: what do you want your legacy to be? How do you want to be remembered? How do you want your kids to remember you? For me, I want Olive to see her mom doing more than just folding laundry and house cleaning. I want her to know that her mom loved God and loved people well.

So, how are your mom genes fitting these days?

Fighting for you,

Gretchen

Mommy Worry: The Good, the Bad, and the Embarrassingly Ugly- By Kara Kopecky

I wish someone would have warned me about Mommy Worry.  I had heard a lot about mommy guilt, but the worry part really surprised me and hit me like a ton of bricks when we brought Abigail home.  Perhaps this is partially due to our adoption story and the fact that I never had the typical, and not so typical, worries that come with pregnancy.  I never once worried about Abigail’s birthmother miscarrying.  I never once worried about Abigail having a birth defect.  I never once worried about a first or second ultrasound, a heartbeat check, glucose levels, preterm labor, preeclampsia, etc. – you get my drift.  I’m sure this is because I spent our entire time of being matched simply worrying that our birthmother would change her mind (which is no fun either) but it finally struck me as odd that I never worried about “Abigail the baby” until my husband asked me one night if I ever worry about Abigail being born healthy.  I looked at him blankly and said, “I never even think about that.  Of course she’s healthy!” 

So what a surprise it was to finally bring our baby girl home and then instantly find myself struck with obsessive worrying … about pretty much everything.  

***Now before I go any further, a quick disclaimer: The below account of my Mommy Worry is meant to be humorous and encouraging to others experiencing obsessive worry as a new mom.  However, there are sometimes “good” reasons to worry depending on your own baby’s circumstances.  I am NOT making light of that whatsoever.  My story centers on the fact that I had NO legitimate reason for Mommy Worry, yet I was consumed with it nonetheless***  

My first stage of worrying began the first night we brought her home: what if she suddenly stops breathing?  This resulted in many nights the first few weeks of me checking on her several times throughout the night while she (and my husband) slept soundly.  It was as though I could not get my mind around how a tiny little fragile human being could breathe throughout the night… without me staring at her like a crazy person.  I obsessively researched SIDS, bought all of the recommended baby gear to help prevent SIDS, laid her to sleep on her back, and stayed up almost all night every night for days (even during my husband’s “feeding” shifts!).  

The sense of fear I had about Abigail suddenly dying in her sleep was intense, something I had never encountered before in my life. 

 I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep her alive not only for her sake, but also for the sake of her birthmother who chose us and trusted us to keep her healthy and alive.  It seemed everywhere I turned, there was another news article posted about SIDS prevention, and the laundry list of dos and don’ts related to SIDS made my head spin.   Was I doing everything I could to prevent SIDS??  This was only the beginning of my Mommy Worry.

At Abigail’s 2 week appointment, everything looked great, she was healthy and content and I was actually thinking, we’re doing ok here!  We’ve got this!  Until… the doctor says to me, “Abigail is gaining weight on the fast side and we should probably monitor her intake more closely in the coming weeks/months.  Make sure you are not overfeeding her.” Of course, my first question was, well why is it such a bad thing for her to be growing so well?  And how do you overfeed a baby??  And he simply answers, “Well she could get pretty chubby if she keeps gaining weight at this rate.”  Um, ok?  Since when is letting a newborn baby gain weight a bad thing?? (Side note 1: I have since switched doctors.  Side note 2: I am a weight conscious person by nature so this type of conversation struck a cord in me that I did not like one bit).  

The damage was done and I was now obsessively worried about my perfectly contented 2 week old getting too chubby.  

This was the beginning of Mommy Worry: Stage 2.  Looking back, it’s easy to say, why the heck did I care so much?  I cared because, as an uncertain new mom with a huge need for approval (living in a society obsessed with weight), I needed that doctor to say I was doing everything right and my baby was not going to be on the Biggest Loser someday.   I took what he said to mean I was doing something wrong and Abigail was going to suffer her whole life for it.  The ironic part is that Abigail has always been an excellent eater, never once would even spit up (no joke), has never had reflux or colic, very little gas – basically every drop of formula that went in that baby’s mouth ended up in her belly, which is a GOOD thing for a tiny little newborn.  I could not believe that I was now to worry about her “getting pretty chubby.”

There was no way in hell I was going to put my 2 week old on a diet.  

So I carried on as usual, only for the next several months I would seriously cry the night before a well check for fear of what she would weigh.  I obsessively compared her to other babies.  I heard comment after comment about how my baby was the chubbiest baby someone had ever seen. “What do you feed her” followed with a laugh, was quite common from strangers.  I googled, found charts, EVERYTHING to try and make myself feel ok about Abigail being a chubby baby.  And you know what?  She WAS a chubby baby.  Off the charts in weight her entire life and still is at 13 months.  But she is also tall and beautiful and healthy and active.  I kind of want to punch that doctor in the face.  I also want to tell strangers to SHUT IT when you see a new mom and her baby.  We now have a doctor who loves Abigail’s chub, assures me we are doing just fine as parents, and this has allowed me to slowly let go of my Mommy Worry: Stage 2.  I am exhausted at this point… but there is one more stage to go.    

I have a whole forehead wrinkle I will devote to the worry over Mommy Worry: Stage 3 - “Milestones.”  I actually hate that word now.  Let me backtrack a bit and say that as part of an agency adoption you have 6 post placement reports to fill out and monthly visits with your social worker.  This is a good thing, as it ensures the child has been placed in a good home and is thriving.  This is a bad thing for Mommy Worry because it also ensures that every month you will obsessively report on what your baby is doing while also being “not so subtly” reminded of what they are still NOT doing based on general baby milestone guidelines.

Let’s just say that Abigail decided to give the baby milestone benchmarks the big fat middle finger from day 1.  

With the exception of sleeping through the night, which she did at 9 weeks and has never looked back (Praise God), and her ability to consume and digest food like a CHAMP, Abigail did every.single.major.milestone LATE.  Now a little side note about neurotic ‘ole me – I don’t do things LATE.  I am type A, always on time, have never missed a test or a deadline… so how was I to handle my laid back baby doing everything LATE??  (Obviously God has a sense of humor).  Of course a Type A like me would have the most laid back, “I don’t give a rat’s behind about some stupid milestone chart” baby in the world, right??  Regardless of the reason for it, during Abigail’s first 6 months of life, I googled milestones and “what your baby did at _months old” so much that google probably has me flagged as “CRAZY MOM”.  Here are some examples of the crazy: I obsessively compared what Abigail was doing to what other babies were doing all over the stupid internet baby message boards.  I obsessively compared what Abigail was doing to what other babies were doing at our playdates.  I reluctantly made her do tummy time even though she cried the whole time, which made me want to cry (she HATED tummy time until 7 months!!). I tried to “teach” her to roll after watching a youtube tutorial (ughhh).  I put her in swim class in hopes that the activity would help her develop her motor skills (she did NOT like swim class)  …  oh my, the list goes on.    

You’re probably thinking, girl you are seriously crazy.  When is this madness going to stop??

Don’t worry, I was thinking the same thing.  You know when it stopped?  When I was driving home from swim class with Abigail one day, shortly before she turned 6 months.  I was CRYING because during the cheesy “goodbye” song where the babies her age are on their tummys looking all cute and some trying to CRAWL for goshsakes, my child was WAILING and barely lifting her head because she was so pissed off about being on her tummy.  As I heard her in the back of the car cooing and gurgling, happy as can be, I suddenly realized I AM PROJECTING MY OWN ISSUES ONTO MY INNOCENT PRECIOUS CHILD.  This Mommy Worry?  This obsession with charts, graphs, milestones, approval from doctors, approval from other moms, comparison to other babies, ALL OF THIS CRAP?  

Is my own personal garbage… my struggles with perfectionism, feelings of inadequacy, comparison to others, competition within myself, PRIDE, all of which I need to sort through, clean out, and give to God.  Because this child is GOD’s child entrusted to me, not my own personal badge of accomplishment.  This isn’t about me.  ABIGAIL IS HER OWN PERSON.

And you know what? That very next week, I finished our last post placement monthly report for the social worker and vowed to never look at another milestone chart or weight chart ever again.

Just days later, Abigail rolled over.  Both ways.  I am convinced she was laughing at me as she did it.

Fast forward to 13 months old, she’s laughing, rolling, crawling, cruising, and newly walking.  We have not attempted another swim class … yet 

-Kara

Finding Personal Time- by Morgan

I am 12 weeks pregnant with my second baby and life seems like it's going to only get harder from here on out! I'm so excited to be blessed with another child but also mourning the loss of any bit of personal time I've had thus far. 

I wanted to write about this because I feel guilty sometimes and feel like I'm being selfish wanting time alone. But, I know that it's a real issue and we all face it as moms. I think it's so important for us to find ways to carve out a little bit of time for ourselves and I think it looks different for everyone. 

I was blessed a few weeks ago to be able to but my son in a Mother's Day out program a few hours a week and I'm finding that it's really helping me. I try to use that time to run a few errands or clean my house and do things that I know that Ethan won't want to do with me so I can be more intentional with my time with him on the days that I have him all day.

One idea is finding one or two other moms who can keep each other's babies possibly once a week for a few hours and let the other moms do errands or clean your house baby free. Or sit at Starbucks and be able to think, read, or journal. I also think it's so important for us to be honest with ourselves and our significant others on what we need in order to stay physically mentally and emotionally healthy. 

I can't even describe how much of a blessing motherhood has been but also how taxing it is and how exhausted I seem to feel. This is such a vulnerable time in our own lives where I believe we have to get comfortable asking for help... And accepting it! It's a beautiful thing that we have a time in our life where our primary purpose is to serve and love and give but we have to find ways to feel served loved and given to as well. 

This post may not have a lot of answers, it's more a rambling of personal thoughts, but I want you to know that if you feel the same way I do you're not alone and there are options. I know there are ways that we can find time for ourselves and encourage one another.

-Morgan

Why Ruthie is Having a Repeat C-Section

If you've read my birth story with Ford, then that should be enough of an explanation as to why I am choosing to have a repeat C section, but I wanted to share more in detail. I hate that in today's times, I feel like I need to defend my choice because it really effects no one but me and my family but I want to share my story and hopefully encourage other mamas who feel defeated or judged for their birth plans. If you haven't read Ford's birth story, you can read it here.

In short, I never went into labor and was induced at 41 weeks with Ford. I am a very small woman who was measuring very large and my doctor didn't want me going much past 41 weeks with the chance of losing amniotic fluids and the baby getting too big for a vaginal delivery. Oh and it is illegal in Texas to go past 42 weeks under medical care. So induction day... I was barely dilated and experienced no signs of labor so Pitocin was given and my waters were broken. They don't call it labor for nothing, holy crap contractions are intense, especially unmedicated on Pitocin. I found out I had Thrombocytopenia (low blood platelet count, happens to 1% of women) which meant I couldn't get an epidural. That sucked. I labored for 8 hours on the highest dose of Pitocin, sans medication, and did not dilate ONE CENTIMETER. You heard that right. It was in that moment we decided a C section was the safest route for me and baby, and frankly I didn't care how he got here, I wanted to be out of pain. I had general surgery fully under, Jon wasn't allowed in the room, and I met Ford a few hours later. I get very sad when I hear about women feeling disappointed with having to have a C section because I feel like I had pretty much everything go wrong and my birth was the complete opposite than I could have ever imagined and I think I was sad for about 5 minutes. My son was alive and healthy, I was alive and healthy. Enough to make my heart swell with gratitude and love.

Jon meeting Ford for the first time, he was just a few minutes old 

Me meeting Ford a few hours later (even though I am awake, I don't remember any of this)

Recovery was rough and if I am being honest, there were times when I thought I could never do this again because it was that painful. But I healed. I am definitely guilty of assuming life will always be a certain way, especially when I am in a particularly tough season. Painful C section recovery, 4 month sleep regression, sick babies....you feel like the movie Groundhog Day will never end. But it does!

I realize I am getting way off topic here. Back to a repeat C section. Even after experiencing a 1 in 100 occurring birth story and one hell of a recovery, it was etched in stone that I did not want to experience labor ever again. Before I even became pregnant with baby #2, I knew I would be a repeat C section mama. Labor was traumatic and painful and I experienced enough in those 8 hours of trying to satisfy me for the rest of my life. Do I feel like I missed out on something because I didn't push a baby out my lady bits? Absolutely not. I feel victorious and powerful because I gave birth! Period! I don't feel like less of a woman or less of a mother but I feel grateful that I live in a time period in which I survived my son's birth. It's sad that birth has become a competitive sport. Why does it matter if someone got an epidural or chose a repeat C section or had the antibiotic goop put on their newly born baby's eyes. I can say without a doubt that my choice to have a repeat C section (and use the eye goop and vaccinate right after birth and circumcise at 2 days old) will not effect anyone but me and my baby.

At my very first prenatal appointment with baby #2, my doctor asked what my plan was. I am so thankful to go to a doctor who never tried to sway me one way or another but is 100% on board with my decision. I did not want to be talked into a VBAC nor if I wanted a VBAC did I want to be talked into a C section. I told her I was 100% positive I wanted another C section (as is Jon) but wanted to know why VBACs are so risky. Some doctors don't perform them and they cost more insurance-wise but I had no idea why. She informed me that when you have a contraction, there is a chance that the incision on your uterus from your C section would burst causing you to bleed and need an emergency hysterectomy (meaning no more children). In all her years of practice she has only had that happen to 1 of her patients and said the chances are 1%. Sure those are very low stats but having low blood platelets during labor only happens to 1% of people and it happened to me. I have stopped thinking of myself as "Oh it would never happen to me" because it did. I don't want to take the risk. Also, you cannot be induced for a VBAC and my track record of never even dilating or having a contraction for 41 weeks with Ford isn't great. If you've had a successful VBAC then I am so happy for you! Just as happy as I am for mamas who have 5 sections or 5 vaginal deliveries. The only birth that effects me is my own. Oh and I should mention that I only have a 1% chance of having Thrombo again and will get my blood tested a few days before my surgery so if the platelet count is low, I can have steroids to strengthen them so I can have a "normal C section". It kind of feels like the first time since Jon wasn't with me and I was out cold. We are so excited! Oh and I have mentioned this before but I have a hernia on my belly that developed after I gave birth to Ford and I need to get it surgically repaired. So even if I decided on a VBAC, I would need hernia surgery after Lucy is born which is often VERY painful and a tough recovery. Might as well piggy back it on with my C section and take advantage of dual recovery.

Choosing to have a scheduled C section has helped remove a lot of fears I have about giving birth again and I am grateful for that peace. I won't be lying awake at night wondering if tonight will be the night or worrying about what to do with Ford if I went into labor at 3am. I am not worried about those intense contractions and consumed my entire body and just the thought takes me back to a very haunted place in my mind. I know the recovery is going to be hard. It is going to plain suck, especially because I won't be able to pickup my toddler, but I am not scared. What is so incredibly freeing for me is knowing that The Lord knows the tiny details of this baby's birth day and has had it written on the palm of His hand since before creation. I can sit here all day weighing the pros and cons of choosing a C section or worrying that I will go into labor before my scheduled surgery but that is precious time wasted. He knows and whether it is a repeat C section, emergency C section, epidural labor, or home birth....it is perfect.

One more thing I want to add is just how beautiful God's providence has been throughout my pregnancy, labor, and delivery experiences. Pregnancy is not exactly easy on me (being sick for 8 months kind of takes a toll on you) and I have a less than ideal birth story which has further solidified our prayers for adoption in the future. C sections are rough on your body and for safety reasons, doctors don't recommend you have many more than 3-4 of them which stinks for someone who wants a larger family. God continues to show us, through hard pregnancies and rough deliveries, that adoption is in our future and we are able to find joy in the pain because of that reason!

Every family is different- large, small, blended, mixed race, stay at home mom, stay at home dad- but we don't have to be defined (and ridiculed) by the birth plans we choose. My scare reminds me of the months I spent growing my sweet babies, the strength it took to give birth to them, and the absolute gift that children are in our lives.

Candis's Tips For Natural Birth

Shortly after I found out I pregnant, I decided that I wanted to have a natural birth (meaning I wanted little to no interventions and no pain medication).  My desire for a natural birth was largely influenced by watching the movie The Business of Being Born, hearing the negative c-section stories of my friends and family, and my great fear of needles.  The more I researched and learned about natural births, the more confident I felt about my decision. I realized that not everyone feels the same way, or even has the option for a natural birth; but what surprised me were the reactions I received.

When I was pregnant, I knew no one who had or even wanted a natural birth.  When I told people I wanted a natural birth, I was shocked at the negative and disbelieving response. Almost every woman I shared this decision with felt like they needed to defend their decision for choosing to have an epidural and voiced they didn’t believe I would follow through with my plan.  One of my coworkers even went so far as to tell me the horror story of her epidural, how it's left her with spinal headaches  four years after the fact, while trying to convince me that I'd want one.  I couldn’t believe the response I got to my personal medical decision. Birth is such a personal thing, and the fact that people felt the need to weigh in on my decisions when I was not asking for opinions or advice, seriously dumbfounded me. These negative comments spurred me on to prove them wrong. 

Here are six things I did and would recommend to give you the best chance at a successful natural birth. If you are considering a natural birth, I hope these tips will be an encouragement to you.

1. Choose a doctor that is supportive. This is crucial! My practice, OBGYN North, is a collaborative practice of doctors and midwives and they are super supportive of natural births.  They do births at their birthing center or at the hospital. I opted for the hospital route, but might consider the birthing center for future births.  I talked with them early on about what circumstances would lead them to prompt an induction or c-section and they basically said, only in the event of an emergency. They would let me go up to two weeks past my due date before inducing.  If my water broke and the baby was in no distress, they would give me 18 hours to start labor on my own before inducing (some doctors may only give you a few hours).  They encouraged me to labor at home until I was in active labor, and once I arrived at the hospital I never felt rushed.  I remained dilated at 9 centimeters for 5 hours before I was ready to push. Some doctors might have been discouraged by my lack of progress and encouraged methods of intervention. However my baby was in no distress, so my doctors let me labor on.

2. Get your partner on board. Also, so crucial! When I told my husband about my desire for a natural birth, he said “great!” He never questioned my ability to follow through or tried to talk me out of it.  Instead he encouraged me and believed in my success. He was totally on board with taking a birthing class, and proudly took on the role of encourager and defender. If anyone had come into my room doubting me, discouraging me, or even saying the "e" word, he would have quickly asked them to leave. Fortunately, we never encountered that situation. If you feel that your partner can't be a strong support for you during labor, then I'd recommend hiring a doula.

3. Educate yourself. My OB practice required that we take a birthing class, and for a natural birth, they recommended HypnoBirthing, The Bradley Method, or Birthing from Within. I researched the three and decided on Birthing from Within. I will be completely honest and tell you that I was terrified of birth.  Taking a class really helped to normalize the birthing process for me and gave me a realistic picture for what to expect.  I learned about hormones that kick in during labor and, when not counteracted by medications, are designed to allow your body to deal with the pain.  In addition, I learned some coping mechanisms that could even be used in the event of an emergency c-section.  There are also lots of great books out there. I would recommend, Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. This book, my class, and my doctor were my primary resources of information about natural birthing because I didn’t know anyone who had gone through with a natural birth. If you do, talk to them and ask about their stories and what you can expect.  

4. Avoid early induction. Unless there is a medical need to induce early, don’t do it. I’ve heard induction stories where everything went perfectly and I’ve heard horror stories where induction led to a c-section because the body just wasn’t ready for delivery. Also I have heard that contractions occurring while taking Pitocin are much more painful. I know firsthand that being overdue is awful (my son came ten days late) and as silly as it sounds it helped me to remember that no woman has ever been pregnant forever. If you have people around you pressuring you to induce, and that’s not what you want, my advice is to shut them up or shut them out.  You do not need that negativity surrounding you.

5. Labor at home for as long as possible.  My doctor advised me to stay home until my contractions were so painful that I couldn’t walk or talk through them.  I did this, and by the time I arrived at the hospital I was already dilated to a 5 or 6.  In early labor it’s so good to try and stay relaxed.  Eat if you can, go on a walk, go shopping, and just enjoy those last moments before the craziness starts. Staying relaxed and/or distracted is much easier when you are in your home or somewhere you feel comfortable, rather than that sterile hospital room. Besides, you’ll be spending enough time there in the coming days, no need to rush it. 

 6. Think about your labor with the bigger picture in mind.  Prepare for it to be long, and be thankful if it’s short.  Don't even allow the epidural as an option. In my mind, there was no escape. There was no plan B. The only way I was going to escape the pain was by getting the baby out. That was my sole focus. I had no time constraint in my mind. If I would have watched the clock, I know I would have sought intervention during my 35 hour labor. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. It might be hard and long, but it will be over, and the reward is oh so sweet.

My natural birth was a success, despite not knowing much about it before pregnancy.  I hope my tips have helped you consider natural birth as an option.  If you have additional tips, I’d love to hear them.