It all started in a CVS bathroom… . I had felt so nauseous that day and decided to buy a pregnancy test on my way home…but of course I couldn’t wait till I got home to take it. I was kinda notorious for peeing on a stick in a CVS bathroom anytime I felt nauseous for no reason…so I wasn’t expecting it to ACTUALLY be positive! We weren’t trying and I was on birth control at the time, but all of a sudden we were staring parenthood in the face six months earlier than we had planned, and we were thrilled! We announced the news to our close friends and family immediately. Three weeks later we went to the dr. for our first ultrasound. As I watched the technician’s face, I knew something was not right. She immediately said“hold on” and rushed out of the room. She was gone for what seemed like the longest time! The dr. came in to take a look and gave us the bad news that there was no heartbeat, and then proceeded to tell me that I had a very “weird uterus”. She told me to come back in 3 weeks. THREE. LONG. WEEKS. We were devastated but held on to hope. We didn’t know what else to do during that awkward three week window when we may or may not be having a baby in 8 months. We certainly didn’t talk about baby names or plan out the nursery. We just prayed. When we went back, it was found that the embryo had grown, but still no heartbeat, and we were told to come back in a couple weeks….seriously?! This went on for two months, when finally it was determined to be an unviable pregnancy. We were devastating to say the very least. I’m sure many of you know the feeling of losing a baby. It’s an unexplainably painful experience. It’s like being on top of the world and tumbling to the deepest valley in a matter of seconds! It’s a feeling I wish for no one…EVER.
During my D&C, it was discovered that I had a septum (a non-blood-bearing wall) straight down the middle of my uterus and through my cervix. Basically, my uterus and cervix were divided in half by this wall. That explains the “weird uterus” comment. We were told this would need to be surgically corrected to decrease my chances of having another miscarriage; however, because of my recent pregnancy we would need to wait 5-6 months before we could have the surgery to let my uterus go back to normal. I was pretty anxious to try again….I remember all I wanted was to be pregnant again…to have that hope back. But now we were being told we had to wait up to 6 months before the surgery and up to 6 months after the surgery to try again. This was the desert…the place where God would test our faith. The times where I would wonder if God heard my cries…Now, I know he did. He had a bigger and better plan ahead than I could ever imagine; but, in that desert my husband and I were hurt, lonely, and sad. I know many of you who have struggled with infertility or miscarriages know this desert all too well. You’ve been in this place, and It’s not pretty.
About a year after the miscarriage we found out we were pregnant again. Finding out you are pregnant after a miscarriage is not the same. You are filled with joy, yes, but that joy is overshadowed by fear, worry, and the need to protect your heart. This time we decided not to tell anyone until we at least heard a heartbeat. But, unfortunately, we never did. After all that waiting and undergoing surgery to correct what we thought was the problem, we had another miscarriage. I can’t begin to explain the sadness, anger, and frustration we felt….yet, more desert.
I ended up seeing a fertility specialist after the second miscarriage. He suggested Clomid although I had no problem whatsoever GETTING pregnant. My problem was STAYING pregnant. However, he said it would boost my progesterone levels during early pregnancy if I were to get pregnant which would decrease my chances of having a miscarriage. Oh, and have a 10% chance of having multiples….yea, that too! But we didn’t care if we ended up with 8, we just wanted a baby, so we agreed to try it. The funny thing is I had always wanted twins. Seriously, as long as I could remember, I thought it would be so fun to have twins! Ha- Life is funny sometimes! I went in when I was 6 weeks pregnant. Honestly, we weren’t really expecting to hear a heartbeat…I think it was our way of protecting our hearts yet again. (At this time, the dr only saw one sac so we had no idea there were two) But, we FINALLY got to hear a heartbeat, which was the sweetest, most healing sound ever in the world!! It’s weird to think how a sound can give you hope and healing, but that one tiny heartbeat definitely started that healing process! A couple weeks later, I went in for a follow up- BY MYSELF- and the ultrasound technician said “How many babies did the dr. said you had?” I was thinking to myself “who says that?! What a stupid question!” But I didn’t say that, I just looked at her funny and said “one.” She said, “Well, you’ve got two perfect little heartbeats in here!” Naturally, I cried…. out of happiness of course… and maybe a little out of fear.
From then on out my pregnancy was pretty normal with lots and lots of dr. appts and sonograms (one of the perks of twin pregnancy). It was going great up until 24 weeks. At that time my cervix had thinned to 1.5 cm. I was hospitalized immediately and had a procedure done the next day to get an emergency cerclage, which is a stitch in my cervix to keep it from dilating as long as possible. Following the cerclage, was a month of bedrest. Well, modified bedrest…the kind where you can’t go to work or go to the store but you can sit around and watch movies, get up and get icecream out of the freezer, etc…it was great for the first week, then it got pretty old and boring (oh, to have that time back now!). After I was cleared I went back to work full-time until December 10 when I was 34 weeks; 4 days. I woke up that morning having contractions. I went to see my OBGYN who took out my cerclage, and within a few hours I was dilated to a 4, then a 6, then I heard the dr. say “get ready. We’re having a C-section in 20 minutes.” I was NOT expecting that! The C-Section I was expecting because Baby B (Maggie) was breach, but what I wasn’t expecting was to be a mother of two within an hour! I was a complete wreck! I was so nervous to be staring motherhood in the face, and not know what condition my 34 week old babies would be in. The next half-hour was pretty terrifying and incredible all at the same time. Eleanor was born first and weighed only 3lb; 12oz. Maggie weighed 4 lb; 1oz. I got to see them for less than a minute, and I think I might have gotten to hold Maggie. Then they were whisked away to the NICU for monitoring. The next couple weeks of being a NICU mom were some of the most challenging and trying weeks of our lives. But, fifteen days later (on Christmas Day) we finally got to bring our babies home!
Our journey to parenthood is full of a lot of heartache and a lot of joy, but honestly, I wouldn’t change it for the world! After two years and two miscarriages, God brought us out of the desert and blessed us with TWO beautiful baby girls. HIS PLAN WAS BIGGER!
“So we can rejoice in the unknown and look for opportunities to have faith because without the opportunity to have faith it is impossible to please God.”
No comments:
Post a Comment