I wish someone would have warned me about Mommy Worry. I had heard a lot about mommy guilt, but the worry part really surprised me and hit me like a ton of bricks when we brought Abigail home. Perhaps this is partially due to our adoption story and the fact that I never had the typical, and not so typical, worries that come with pregnancy. I never once worried about Abigail’s birthmother miscarrying. I never once worried about Abigail having a birth defect. I never once worried about a first or second ultrasound, a heartbeat check, glucose levels, preterm labor, preeclampsia, etc. – you get my drift. I’m sure this is because I spent our entire time of being matched simply worrying that our birthmother would change her mind (which is no fun either) but it finally struck me as odd that I never worried about “Abigail the baby” until my husband asked me one night if I ever worry about Abigail being born healthy. I looked at him blankly and said, “I never even think about that. Of course she’s healthy!”
So what a surprise it was to finally bring our baby girl home and then instantly find myself struck with obsessive worrying … about pretty much everything.
***Now before I go any further, a quick disclaimer: The below account of my Mommy Worry is meant to be humorous and encouraging to others experiencing obsessive worry as a new mom. However, there are sometimes “good” reasons to worry depending on your own baby’s circumstances. I am NOT making light of that whatsoever. My story centers on the fact that I had NO legitimate reason for Mommy Worry, yet I was consumed with it nonetheless***
My first stage of worrying began the first night we brought her home: what if she suddenly stops breathing? This resulted in many nights the first few weeks of me checking on her several times throughout the night while she (and my husband) slept soundly. It was as though I could not get my mind around how a tiny little fragile human being could breathe throughout the night… without me staring at her like a crazy person. I obsessively researched SIDS, bought all of the recommended baby gear to help prevent SIDS, laid her to sleep on her back, and stayed up almost all night every night for days (even during my husband’s “feeding” shifts!).
The sense of fear I had about Abigail suddenly dying in her sleep was intense, something I had never encountered before in my life.
I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep her alive not only for her sake, but also for the sake of her birthmother who chose us and trusted us to keep her healthy and alive. It seemed everywhere I turned, there was another news article posted about SIDS prevention, and the laundry list of dos and don’ts related to SIDS made my head spin. Was I doing everything I could to prevent SIDS?? This was only the beginning of my Mommy Worry.
At Abigail’s 2 week appointment, everything looked great, she was healthy and content and I was actually thinking, we’re doing ok here! We’ve got this! Until… the doctor says to me, “Abigail is gaining weight on the fast side and we should probably monitor her intake more closely in the coming weeks/months. Make sure you are not overfeeding her.” Of course, my first question was, well why is it such a bad thing for her to be growing so well? And how do you overfeed a baby?? And he simply answers, “Well she could get pretty chubby if she keeps gaining weight at this rate.” Um, ok? Since when is letting a newborn baby gain weight a bad thing?? (Side note 1: I have since switched doctors. Side note 2: I am a weight conscious person by nature so this type of conversation struck a cord in me that I did not like one bit).
The damage was done and I was now obsessively worried about my perfectly contented 2 week old getting too chubby.
This was the beginning of Mommy Worry: Stage 2. Looking back, it’s easy to say, why the heck did I care so much? I cared because, as an uncertain new mom with a huge need for approval (living in a society obsessed with weight), I needed that doctor to say I was doing everything right and my baby was not going to be on the Biggest Loser someday. I took what he said to mean I was doing something wrong and Abigail was going to suffer her whole life for it. The ironic part is that Abigail has always been an excellent eater, never once would even spit up (no joke), has never had reflux or colic, very little gas – basically every drop of formula that went in that baby’s mouth ended up in her belly, which is a GOOD thing for a tiny little newborn. I could not believe that I was now to worry about her “getting pretty chubby.”
There was no way in hell I was going to put my 2 week old on a diet.
So I carried on as usual, only for the next several months I would seriously cry the night before a well check for fear of what she would weigh. I obsessively compared her to other babies. I heard comment after comment about how my baby was the chubbiest baby someone had ever seen. “What do you feed her” followed with a laugh, was quite common from strangers. I googled, found charts, EVERYTHING to try and make myself feel ok about Abigail being a chubby baby. And you know what? She WAS a chubby baby. Off the charts in weight her entire life and still is at 13 months. But she is also tall and beautiful and healthy and active. I kind of want to punch that doctor in the face. I also want to tell strangers to SHUT IT when you see a new mom and her baby. We now have a doctor who loves Abigail’s chub, assures me we are doing just fine as parents, and this has allowed me to slowly let go of my Mommy Worry: Stage 2. I am exhausted at this point… but there is one more stage to go.
I have a whole forehead wrinkle I will devote to the worry over Mommy Worry: Stage 3 - “Milestones.” I actually hate that word now. Let me backtrack a bit and say that as part of an agency adoption you have 6 post placement reports to fill out and monthly visits with your social worker. This is a good thing, as it ensures the child has been placed in a good home and is thriving. This is a bad thing for Mommy Worry because it also ensures that every month you will obsessively report on what your baby is doing while also being “not so subtly” reminded of what they are still NOT doing based on general baby milestone guidelines.
Let’s just say that Abigail decided to give the baby milestone benchmarks the big fat middle finger from day 1.
With the exception of sleeping through the night, which she did at 9 weeks and has never looked back (Praise God), and her ability to consume and digest food like a CHAMP, Abigail did every.single.major.milestone LATE. Now a little side note about neurotic ‘ole me – I don’t do things LATE. I am type A, always on time, have never missed a test or a deadline… so how was I to handle my laid back baby doing everything LATE?? (Obviously God has a sense of humor). Of course a Type A like me would have the most laid back, “I don’t give a rat’s behind about some stupid milestone chart” baby in the world, right?? Regardless of the reason for it, during Abigail’s first 6 months of life, I googled milestones and “what your baby did at _months old” so much that google probably has me flagged as “CRAZY MOM”. Here are some examples of the crazy: I obsessively compared what Abigail was doing to what other babies were doing all over the stupid internet baby message boards. I obsessively compared what Abigail was doing to what other babies were doing at our playdates. I reluctantly made her do tummy time even though she cried the whole time, which made me want to cry (she HATED tummy time until 7 months!!). I tried to “teach” her to roll after watching a youtube tutorial (ughhh). I put her in swim class in hopes that the activity would help her develop her motor skills (she did NOT like swim class) … oh my, the list goes on.
You’re probably thinking, girl you are seriously crazy. When is this madness going to stop??
Don’t worry, I was thinking the same thing. You know when it stopped? When I was driving home from swim class with Abigail one day, shortly before she turned 6 months. I was CRYING because during the cheesy “goodbye” song where the babies her age are on their tummys looking all cute and some trying to CRAWL for goshsakes, my child was WAILING and barely lifting her head because she was so pissed off about being on her tummy. As I heard her in the back of the car cooing and gurgling, happy as can be, I suddenly realized I AM PROJECTING MY OWN ISSUES ONTO MY INNOCENT PRECIOUS CHILD. This Mommy Worry? This obsession with charts, graphs, milestones, approval from doctors, approval from other moms, comparison to other babies, ALL OF THIS CRAP?
Is my own personal garbage… my struggles with perfectionism, feelings of inadequacy, comparison to others, competition within myself, PRIDE, all of which I need to sort through, clean out, and give to God. Because this child is GOD’s child entrusted to me, not my own personal badge of accomplishment. This isn’t about me. ABIGAIL IS HER OWN PERSON.
And you know what? That very next week, I finished our last post placement monthly report for the social worker and vowed to never look at another milestone chart or weight chart ever again.
Just days later, Abigail rolled over. Both ways. I am convinced she was laughing at me as she did it.
Fast forward to 13 months old, she’s laughing, rolling, crawling, cruising, and newly walking. We have not attempted another swim class … yet
-Kara
